Before you watch the below video you need to do something. You need to promise yourself that you won’t laugh. Make that solemn promise. It's so very important.
Now, you can watch the video. It should begin at 2.40, but if it doesn’t, skip to 2.40.
Good. Here it is.
I don’t believe I have ever laughed as hard while at work in my entire life. Above is a video that advises women to try out what is known as the “grapefruit” technique which involves giving a man head while using a grapefruit. There is, however, one tiny little problem.
It’s the sound.
That God damned sound, which has been described as a “lynx being waterboarded” and “Donald Duck being electrocuted”. I might describe it as “cleaning up an oyster buffet with a broken vacuum” or possibly “the sound a zombie might make while trying to suck itself off.” But however you might describe it, the sound is so funny I don’t think I can physically cope with the stress of laughing so hard. How could any man keep a straight face while that’s going on down by his junk?
Apparently it actually involves a man putting his penis through the grapefruit which the woman then uses to add extra stimulation while giving oral sex. According to those who’ve tried it, it even feels pretty good. But does that matter?
Just go back and listen to that sound.
It could feel better than a high-five from God himself, but when that noise comes up I challenge anyone alive to not laugh. You try lying back and achieving orgasm while your ears listen to what can only be summed up as “a jaguar in a tornado” without breaking into hysterical giggles. This is Monty Python Biggus Dickus levels of funny.
On a slightly different note, I don’t need anyone to put a grapefruit around my penis. Good or not good, it doesn’t matter. I never want to bang a citrus fruit, or any fruit for that matter. Like I said, no one asked for blowjobs to get an upgrade. They’re pretty great as it is so long as teeth stay out of the conversation. Guys don’t sit around drinking beer talking about how they wish women would bring more fruit salads into the mix.
But at least it's good for a laugh. I'm pretty sure that sound could make a coma patient chuckle. It's not every day you hear the sound of two buttholes eating spaghetti bolognese like Lady and the Tramp.