In all my time on the internet, I’ve learned two things. Don’t put something inside you unless it has a flared base because there’s no guarantee it’ll come back out without one. And don’t put yourself inside something if that something is made of a material that’s harder than you, because there’s no guarantee it’ll let you go once it’s got a grip. Pool balls, carrots, toy soldiers – these are things you shouldn’t put inside yourself. Wedding rings, wrenches, glass bottles – these are things you shouldn’t put your penis in.
Yet here we are, once again, running over the case of the man who went to hospital with a shower head stuffed up his bum; the white pvc pipe limply hanging out of his trousers like a tail, dripping water onto the waiting room floor. The 26-year-old man clarified to doctors that he had to cut the pvc pipe so that he could free himself from the shower and go to hospital, or else he’d remain tethered to the wall like a junkyard dog.
He also swears blind that he didn’t put it there himself. But even the doctors who treated the guy didn’t believe a word he was saying. Just listen:
“Though the patient reported accidental insertion of the shower head and denied voluntary insertion,” they wrote, “there is a high suspicion of voluntary insertion for auto-erotic purpose.”
In other words, even the doctors felt it necessary—in a scientific journal—to say they thought he was lying and that he’d shoved the showerhead up his bum for the thrill of it. (Was it running at the time? I have to ask…)
Thankfully the man was unharmed since the showerhead did not cause any internal injury, but the x-rays really do paint quite the pretty picture. I mean, the way that thing is up inside him I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d had a run-up!
It’s worth noting that the doctors, who published a case study about the man, go on to describe just how oddly common this whole “whoops I’ve lost object X up my bum after slipping on it”-situation is:
“A large variety of objects have been reported, including bottles, cans, glass bulbs, stones, small rods, fruits and vegetables, vibrators, dildos and toys,” writes the doctor. “Insertion of objects for auto-erotic purposes is the most common cause of rectal foreign bodies. Other common causes include accidents and assaults. The presentation is often delayed, and history is often improper.”
In other words, people tend to wait before going to the hospital because they’re embarrassed. They later add,
“Two-thirds of the patients are males in their 30s or 40s, who use such objects for auto-erotic purposes.”
So men who are curious about their butts, take this solemn advice: Buy a f*cking dildo, make sure it has a flared base, and don’t bother lying.
No one will believe you.