I don’t know why I went after this topic. I remembered seeing a picture, years back, of one of those disembodied bumholes being sold as a fleshlight and it really creeped me out. Like, something about the way it looked with its pallid skin and disembodied sex-hole vibe just scared me. It made me think of something you’d find in a serial killer’s fridge, like he’d killed some prostitute and decided to use a steak knife to carve out her bumhole for later use. I couldn’t fathom why anyone would EVER want something like that in their house.
But people did, and they still do. Men seem intent on buying strange contraptions that really are just dismembered asses and vaginas for their pleasure. That alone scares the sh*t out of me although I do understand that many men argue that dildos are just dismembered willies. But damn, something about a latex vagina and butt just weirds me out. There’s no getting around it.
And yet, it gets worse. Oh it gets worse. And worse.
Let us begin.
The Mouth…Vagina… Thing
Alright, so first thing I thought when I saw this was “I’d imagine that crawling across the floor in a John Carpenter porno” and then I thought “well that’s going to be the next week’s worth of nightmares right there!”. Seriously though, tell me that the idea of this thing slithering around the floor, trying to latch onto your toes as it helplessly seeks its creator, isn’t f*cking terrifying. This doesn’t make me think of sex, it makes me think of some weird gorno horror film.
So, I had to do some reading for this to make sense. But, it turns out, some people like to fantasise about an alien laying eggs in them. On that note, here’s a sex toy that lays eggs in you. I’m not sure there’s much else to say, but if you get the chance watch the youtube video because that sh!t is haunting. I particularly dislike the trail of slime connecting the eggs to the penis/mouth. Seriously, this is going to give me nightmares.
As someone who dislikes feet this is just the f*cking worst. I genuinely think this is the mark of a serial killer waiting to happen. Like if I opened a car trunk while with a friend and saw this disembodied foot vagina (that they had clearly been humping for fun) and a hacksaw I would flat-out call the cops then and there. “Hello, my friend is clearly harbouring a secret desire to chop off and f*ck the stump of a severed lady-foot… yes I’ll hold.”
Bad Dragon male masturbators.
So, first off, can we just take a second to appreciate that there is a fleshlight men can buy that’s shaped like a dog’s mouth? Is that not just the worst? I think this is meant to be a furry thing but you know what, I don’t care. It’s too far. It’s blatantly appealing to some weird bestiality desire. I know we’re meant to be super sex-positive now but you know what? There’s a limit. And this thing, it’s the limit.
On a related note, this thing super reminded me of the brain bug from Starship Troopers. Remember? Here lemme show you.
I don’t remember this thing’s name and I refuse to look at any more pictures of dildos, fleshlights, and other weird things. But would the context help? Really? Is it not enough? The fake moustache? The idea that it’s a penis with a mouth for a butt? Or the way its mouth is lined with rubber spikes that are barely visible, but which make it look like its real purpose is to gobble up penises like gummy worms? This thing is going to chase you down a Freudian pac-man labyrinth one day in a nightmare and you won’t remember you saw it in this link but it doesn’t matter.
It’s coming for you, and the entire time its gaping maw will open and close to the rhythm of the words “BOB LOBLAW” over and over and over.
Chastity Belts for Men
When I was a kid I heard about a dare where boys put their penises in coke cans and then had to make sure they didn’t get boners. At the time it haunted me. To this day I still think of it and shudder. What a horrific way to torture your own genitals.
But that was me. Clearly someone else heard it and thought “oh goody, that’s my new thing!” and then they grew up and made these things. You put your penis in them and if you get an erection then… well actually I don’t know. That’s kinda what freaks me out. Does… does… the cage give? Or is it gonna leave you with a mashed up penis that looks like a tin of Heinz spaghetti-o’s? Just how high are the stakes here?
Acrylic D*ck and Ball Crusher
Step one – put penis and balls in.
Step two – turn the crank.
Step three - Crush balls and penis.
Step four – there is no step four you just mashed your f*cking genitals into a paste.
But for any men out there (of which I am one) then let yourselves live forever free and happy knowing that you haven’t pureed your dong into kibble sized chunks with a plastic vice. To those men who like this… I hope you have penis-insurance.
“You know, these sex toys just aren’t cutting it for me.”
“What do you mean Phil?”
“Well, I like to have sex with disembodied latex vaginas and bums, right?”
“But I like the odd penis too.”
"Don’t forget breasts.”
“Oh of course, always the breasts. But it’s just so cumbersome. You can buy a foot, and a vagina, and the market is *just* flooded with bum vagina combos but…”
“But if you want the whole package you have to pack more than one sex toy at a time?”
“Yeah exactly! It’s so much work to carry latex breasts, a vagina/bumhole combo toy, and a penis, all at once.”
“We’ve just become millionaires.”