The internet is an amazing place to share. It lets you go out and talk about a whole range of experiences, from education, to athletics, to gaming, and much more. The internet is a huge place where anyone can discuss anything.
And, inevitably, people talk about sex, a lot. Like, so damn much. But, the good news is that it means we get some of the funniest damn stories we’ve ever heard in our entire life. Seriously, it hurts to browse the TIFU sub-reddit and see some of the madness people go through in their day-to-day lives. It’s especially great when it’s an NSFW post and you get to see just how much of a disaster most people are when it comes to sex. From diva cups, to poop in the mouth, to horrific rectal injuries, we present to you the funniest and grossest NSFW stories straight off of Reddit.
This happened all of 45 minutes ago, and yes, it still hurts a bit.
To start, some context. I always take incredibly long showers due to me getting sidetracked by random things, such as spinning in circles in order to get an even distribution of hot water, trying to scratch that damn itch, and the fascination that is my penis.
Another thing to note is that I always take a comb with me to the shower as I find it helps "rub in" the shampoo, except this time, there was a new comb that I hadn't seen before.
Now that that is out of the way, let's get into the Fuck-Up. My shower started off as usual, rubbing a bar of soap absolutely everywhere while trying to use my fingernails to carve designs into the bar. After about five or so minutes of soaping, I moved to the hair process, which also went as planned. This is where I dun goofed. Upon seeing this new comb, I decided to use it, as it had finer teeth. After using said comb, I realised that it also had a much sharper/thinner handle.
The following actions have been made by a fucking idiot, and is NSFW. Proceed with caution.
When I saw the handle, for some unknown reason, I built the thought process of "This handle is so thin, I bed I'd be able to stick it up my ass and not feel it." Was it sensible? No. Was there reasoning behind it? Nada. Was it a good idea? Absolutely not.
That thought was immediately followed up with "Why the hell not," which was then followed by a comb, of which I had never seen before, going into my ass. Now obviously, with nothing ever being in my ass before, there was a small brown patch on the end of the handle upon removal, and for some reason, I got the god awful idea that I should clean the inside of my ass. How, you ask? Stab the handle into a bar of fucking soap, of course.
With the handle now soapy, I returned to my ass and was immediatly greeted with a slight stinging feeling. "Whatever, thats probably the soap cleaning away and is bound to only be temporary," I thought. I. Was. Wrong. The stinging only got worse once I pulled the comb out. I then spent the rest of my shower rubbing my ass in hopes to get rid of the feeling.
Fast forward to nearly an hour later and I am still feeling the consequenses of putting a hair product in my arse.
Over all, 1/10, would not penetrate again.
Diva Cup of Doom
After getting tired of shoving bits of cotton in my 'nanner curtains for years, I switched to the menstrual cup a while back. For those that don't know, it's basically this little silicone cup you pop into your lady bits and you can wear for like 12 hours.
Anywhoo, after sleeping all night, I needed to empty it. I headed to the bathroom, lined the toilet with toilet paper to prevent splash back, and proceeded to remove it. Now, I always look to see how full the cup is after removal. It's a weird thing to do, but I think it's kinda cool to see how much is in there.
Apparently, unbeknownst to me, my bathroom spider bro was also interested in my red water tidings. As I was removing the cup, he dropped down to check out the situation. Not expecting a spider to the face that early in the morning, I jerked back, shrieked, and fell off the toilet.
Remember what was in my hand? Yeah, It was a full cup. Everywhere. On the tub, on the wall, all over me, it was a mess. Naturally, my SO heard me yell, and the thud of my lard ass falling off the toilet and came running, only to find me on the bathroom floor, covered in blood, yelling about a spider. I'm surprised the poor guy didn't faint.
TL;DR: A spider surprised me, I threw blood everywhere and my SO thought I was dying.
Edit: Holy shit guys, I wasn't expecting this many responses! For those asking, my mom came up with the nanner curtains thing and it stuck lol, and spider bro has retreated to his corner of the bathroom. Also the boyfriend is fine, slightly traumatised, but he'll live.
Suction Cup Dildo Goes Wrong
My fiancée and I have gotten a couple new things to try out in the bedroom lately. One of them is a dildo with a suction base. Her and I also have the mental age of 10 and were waving around the floppy pink fun rod within minutes of getting it.
The obvious next step was to try and stick it to things. The knee worked, chest didn't, and she had a failed attempt on her forehead. Being the one-upper I am, I proceeded to slap that fucker onto my forehead and show her how it's done. Suction was achieved.
After about three minutes of prancing around and slapping things with my dickhorn, I decided to remove it. As soon as I start pulling it off I can tell something is wrong. The rubber stick of love formed a special bond with my forehead, wanting to live out its life with its new best friend.
After some struggling I managed to pull it off with an audible pop. My fiancée immediately had an 'oh shit' look on her face.
"babe, your forehead is purple."
I ran into the bathroom to look at it, and it actually wasn't too bad. I figured it would fade quickly. I thought I had lucked out...
Fast forward one sex later, and my fiancée is again staring at my forehead. "Oh my God, it's a lot darker." I went back to the bathroom and yeah, that shit definitely bruised pretty badly. I now have a dildo-caused bruise on my forehead that I'm hoping goes away before I go back to work on Monday. At a bank.
Golden Shower Disaster
This happened a couple of months ago.
Kids were all on sleep overs. We finally had a weekend to ourselves. Having decided we would enjoy the peacefulness. A all out steak dinner was in the works. Cooking together making our own favourite sides. Asparagus for myself roasted potatoes for her and buttered mix veggies to share.
Sometime during dinner conversation, we end up taking about urinating practices. She states men are gross and pee everywhere. My rebuttal is that it's not as easy as she thinks.
Fast forward to the morning. I challenge her to try to get all the pee into the bowl, without any splatter. Challenge accepted.
So there we are. Myself standing at the toilet, wife holding my junk aiming. I can't let her win.
I start slow, using some kegal action to control the flow. She's getting the hang of this, so I up the flow a little to throw her off her game. At this point the asparagus pee odor reaches her face and she doesn't want to do this anymore.
This is where the fuck up starts. Up to this point she has been doing very well. I am losing and that can't happen. As Deadpool would say I chanted in my head "MAXIMUM EFFORT". I squeeze my cheeks, close my eyes and kegal the crap out of my bladder.
I can hear that the stream is no longer hitting water. Her first reaction is to turn off the flow manually. Squeezing and bending is her technique. I open my eyes in pain and try to step back. She counters by trying to get a better grip with her free hand.
At this point things are happening in slow motion. Fear has set in, I try to dodge the income hand, but get tripped up by my boxers wrapped around my ankles. The hand is coming and I'm losing balance. I shifted just enough that she would miss, but take a direct hit to the coin purse.
I'm falling back as she releases the death grip. Ending up in the tub with my legs in the air. The built up pressure is released, spraying myself in the face.
Tried to win a childish argument. Ended up slightly concussed, Bangkoked and waterboarding myself with asparagus pee.
Beagle Dipped in Diarrhoea
My dog loves nothing more than sitting on the toilet seat when I'm taking the shower. The other day though I was having some stomach problems and the world was coming out of my ass. As I sat on the commode almost in tears praying for it to be over, I can hear my dog scratching to get in. I lean over to crack the door not only to let him in, but to let some of the nasty smell out.
When I'm finish I reach for toilet paper and find there ain't none. With a tear in my eye I stand on up, feeling at least 10lbs lighter, and penguin walk across the room to grab some. Next thing I hear is my dumb dog leaping into the toilet and falling down the bowl.
Everything goes slow motion. My Beagle cross is covered in my feces, he's freaking out 'cause he done gone wet and stinks. He leaps outta the commode and hightails it outta the room and runs to my sister's bedroom across the hall.
Now y'all seen dogs when they get wet right? They be shaking and rubbing themselves all on the carpet and up the wall. I hear my sisters hollering and screaming 'cause my dog is spreading my muck all over their sheets, shaking it on their clothes and none of them wanna touch him 'cause he's filthy. They can only sit back and watch in horror as he ruins everything and tries to leap up at them. You see, my dog is a big old marshmallow and loves to jump up on people.
I'm standing in the bathroom with my junk still out, still needing to wipe, and all the while thinking it might be worth locking the door and climbing out the window to freedom instead of facing my sisters wraths.
Tinder Date from Hell
This literally just happened in the last half hour and I'm still kind of in shock/ confused. So I've been chatting with this girl on Tinder for the past couple days and things were going well. Tonight she suggests that I come over to watch a movie and cuddle. I accept the invitation since all I was doing was watching the finale of True Detective and this season has been confusing enough. I make it to her apartment complex when suddenly my phone dies, that should have been the sign right there. I run to the gas station to buy a charger since I already drove out there and I'm committed to this cuddle. I get into her apartment and everything seems normal, we go strait to her room since her roommate (a dude) was in the shower right next to the living room. Not even a few minutes into the movie we start making out and it starts getting a little toasty. While were kissing she keeps getting texts and going out to talk to her roommate a couple times which I thought was odd. She comes back in and takes off my shirt and then says, "I want you to fuck me right now".
It catches me off guard since I didn't take her for the type. I knew something was up at this point so I tell her that she was going a little fast for me. I hear the shower stop in the other room and then she says, "do you mind if my roommate joins in?" That isn't really what I had in mind and get up a little startled when suddenly roommate guy barges in balls naked and says, "I'm going to pound you into the ground, I'm going to pound you into the fucking ground." As he gazed into my eyes my dong went limp and I proceed to sprint out of the apartment as fast as I could with my shoes and shirt in one hand. As I'm running out he yells, "I'm going to track you down, you better run I'm coming after you." I didn't look back and ran as fast as I could to my car in shock and disbelief that something like that actually happened to me. Needless to say I'm going to take a break from Tinder for a little while.
Ass Play Tragedy
This happened a couple weeks ago. I’m using a throwaway because I don’t want this shit tied to my main account. I’ll try to make this as short as possible.
Additional warning: I’m in my early twenties and not that experienced when it comes to sexy times. All the porn in the world couldn’t have prepared me for this.
I was going out with a girl for about 6 months. It was nice. She was freaky. I liked it. She kept hinting towards butt stuff which I’ve never done. I was skeptical, but after talking to my friends about it, they encouraged me to give it a shot and to be "open minded."
We’re driving one day listening to music and some song comes on and one of the lyrics were “you gotta eat the booty like groceries.” I’ll never forget this fucking song. The GF knows the song and she’s singing the lyrics and she’s looking directly at me while singing that line. Subliminal message.
Fast forward a couple days and she’s over at my place taking a shower, getting ready for work. I join. Sexy time. “Be open minded” rang through my mind. So I decided to try something new. I tried to eat the booty. I even went as far as to stick my tongue in her butt. I heard a “oh” and then the worst shit ever happened. She farted. I jerk back. Mind you, we’re still in the shower so I’m thinking the water mixed with the fart and I have nasty fart water in my mouth. No.
I spit the water out and it’s not just water. She pooped in my mouth. It wasn’t a lot, but that’s no excuse.
She started apologizing, but her sorrow turned into straight laughter. She wouldn’t stop laughing. I was so angry I didn’t know what to do.