There have been a surprising number of studies by scientists trying to understand sexual injuries and how common they are. Maybe it’s because “sex scientist” is a neat way to earn money while watching porn, or maybe it’s because people genuinely want to know how to help others have safe sex, but they’re out there doing their thing.
So, without ado, let’s dig into it and in no particular order – what are the most dangerous sexual positions, and what injuries make them so dangerous?
1. Doggystyle – Vaginal Tearing
It’s everyone’s favourite position that’s named after a household pet! Doggystyle, which many of us may not be surprised that it’s on this list because doggystyle can be… finnicky. No one’s genitals are the same height and so there’s often pillows, mattresses, props, and various spinal and hip adjustments to make sure it all goes smoothly. Except, as you can imagine, sometimes it doesn’t. And if you’re in the rhythm and things go wrong then basically you’ve got a penis smashing into various folds and flaps without any reservation. Hence why doggystyle is often associated with vaginal tearing… and also penile fractures. So bear that in mind.
2. Pearl Necklace – Penile Fracture
Men, in case you’re wondering, you’re going to be seeing a lot of penile fractures on this list. As one expert told Vice it’s common for men who are trying to ejaculate over a woman’s neck and breasts to sometimes get a little eager and… well… break their willy in two. “I’ve seen a few penile fractures, not just with the pelvic bone, but when guys are in the process of trying to give a pearl necklace… Sometimes they’ll put so much force against the woman’s sternum that it can fracture [the penis], and if you’re not using any lube, the friction can cause some problems too.”
On an unrelated note, everyone else is shocked that I've never heard the term "pearl necklace" before. Does that make me odd? Let me know in the comments if you agree!
3. Eager Chef – Penile Fracture AND vaginal tearing
Oh my God, so it turns out the majority of sexual positions will involve someone either shredding their penis or vagina. Once again the Eager Chef is guilty of genital mutilation because, much like doggystyle, it usually involves people straining to get the right alignment. A common problem is that if the man is on his toes then it just takes one momentary lapse for him to end up jabbing his junk straight into a kitchen cabinet. And when its real wood versus your wood, the real wood wins. Similarly, it’s easy for him to miss the other way and end up shearing his thingy between the woman’s majiggies. Think of it like opening a hot dog bun with a hot dog via sheer force. It’s painful, for both parties.
4. Shower sex – broken bones
This is one of the most common cause of sexual injuries recorded worldwide, and it’s easy to guess why. Showers are wet and hard (*giggles*) places and they’re where a lot of home injuries occur anyway. Once you add thrusting, orgasms, and vigorous sexual activity, it’s easy to see why so many people slip, fall, and end up with broken bones! It’s mundane, but it’s definitely one of the big ones to watch out for. Head injuries, back injuries, pelvic injuries and much more await those who like to do their dirty deeds in the glass walls of a shower.
5. The Cowgirl (Worse if the Woman Leans Back)
This took me a while to wrap my head around but think of it a bit like tennis elbow for a penis. Basically, if a man’s penis is repeatedly extended in one direction then plaque will slowly accumulate and cause his penis to droop an ever increasing amount. It begins with small tears that form as the penis is bent very far in one direction. After the initial tear scar tissue reforms and slightly changes the angle. If it happens more and more then eventually the angle of change can become so severe that sex becomes impossible. Say hello to Peyronie’s and it’s most commonly associated with the cowgirl position, and the more the woman leans back, the worse it can be.